Chapter 7 pt 1

Pushing the swing with an indolent foot, Shanelle wrote in her journal.

' Can't talk, I'm Pacing....

Pacing.......

Panting.....

Breathing.....'

She paused. How could she get the words...?

' Can't see, I'm Screaming.

Screaming....!

Can't hear I'm Running...

I'm Falling

Falling....

Cant live, I'm Crying..

Lost.'

Growing frustrated, she turned roughly to a blank page. Running a hand across her forehead, Shanelle closed her eyes. A cold breeze rustled through the trees. She breathed in deeply.

Words spun around in her head like musical notes, so she began to hum and write again.

Letters soon came together line by line, living and jumping off of the paper. Singing just loud enough to hear herself, emotion flooded Shanelle until she couldn't speak anymore.

Why did she have to feel so much? And why did it hurt so bad?

She turned to another blank page. Abandoning the venture in entirety, she slung the pen and notebook across the yard, stifling a scream.

"Why...?" She trembled, unsure of what she was asking or who.

Shanelle rocked silently for a while, listening to everything and nothing. Kids were playing down the street. A siren sounded. Birds flocked and flew in preparation for winter. It was soothing. Until she heard another familiar sound: Jasmine. Her voice was steadily rising, incoherent and angry. Whatever it was was clearly a disagreement.

Pausing her swing with a firm foot, she reluctantly stood. Shaking, Shanelle hesitated, flashbacks of trauma replaying in the memory of the DNA of her cells. James... Mama. Her. She sat and continued her swinging. Everytime... She couldn't move.

"Nelle...? Is that you?" A voice called distantly. It almost seemed to be in her imagination. Frowning, Shanelle glanced up, sure she'd been daydreaming.

To her surprise, a young man stood at the gate with a smile etched in anticipation. He was about 6 ft 3, curly, jet black hair in two long stitch braids. His skin was a high yellow, and deeply tanned. Squinting as she stood, Shanelle tried to place recognition. Suddenly, she froze, blood draining from her face.

"Mike?"

Opening both arms wide, Michael smiled in approval. Seeing that Shanelle stayed where she was, he slowly lowered them.

"Dang, is that how you meet a brother after all this time?"

"We thought you was dead," Shanelle responded, sounding harder than intended.

"Nah, I couldn't go out like that. We don't gotta bring it up tho... How you been? Feels like forever since we talked."

For some reason, Shanelle's words stuck in her throat. Never could she have imagined this moment. She was responsible for stealing... and leaving Michael in a pool of blood. She stayed where she was.

Slightly tilting his head, Michael tried to read her face. Unsuccessful, he walked through the opening of the high gate. Shanelle took a fearful step back, her face further shadowed by trees.

"Why are you afraid?" He asked. "Did I do something wrong?"

Overcome with emotion, Shanelle fought for control. "No... it ain't you, I... I'm just so glad to see you."

"Really?" He laughed. "I couldn't tell. C'mere man!"

Softening the tension, he walked over, pulling her in for a hug.

Unable to resist the ease of his charm, Shanelle's outer wall broke into a breath of light laughter.

Holding her snug, Michael hugged her as if he truly did miss her. It had been years since she'd felt that way. It nearly reminded Shanelle of how her mother used to hug her as a young child. Tears prickling her eyes, she pulled away before completely embarrassing herself.

Grinning mischievously, Michael sat on the swing without breaking stride. He'd grown a whole foot since she'd last seen him!

"Man, you... you um... you grew up. What you been up to?" Michael ran a hand over his head.

"You got no idea man. I... I was just writin'." She motioned to her discarded journal, walking to pick it up. Before she could, Michael jumped up and got to it first.

"What you writing about?"

Panicking, Shanelle reached and he quickly dodged her hand.

"C'mon! Give it back... It's nothin'."

"Nah, it seems like something. What is it? Tell me, and I'll give it to you."

"It's stupid!"

"No, no it's not. Nelle, just tell me... Please?" He asked in a gentler tone.

Closing her eyes firmly, she opened them again, looking at him. "It's some songs I wrote... About random stuff."

Intrigued, Michael handed her journal back, question burning in his eyes.

"No." Shanelle said sternly, before he could ask.

"Nelle, I've been away for so long. The first person I've spoken to since coming back... Was you. It would be a blessing and genuine euphoria if you would do me the honor of hearing a song. I give you my word, it stays right here."

Seeing that his eyes were sharp and passionate, Shanelle studied him. Man, did he have a way with words!

Feeling as if she were about to make the most embarrassing decision of her life, she threw up a frustrated hand.

"Fine."

He motioned with his hand as one would a direct a choir.

Sitting on the swing, she closed her eyes and took a deep breath. "Please... Just don't laugh."

Face growing serious, Michael stared intently. "You got my word."

Against her insecurities, Shanelle searched for a tune and hummed the soft melody to find her place.

"I long for the times we had

You're missin' inside my world

It feels like I'm all alone

Old but a little girl

Your smile, your face your laugh

Ya sweet embrace is past

I feel a silence

It's a screamin' quiet

My hope and love is gone

It feels like everything's wrong

Can I see you once?

Please tell me what I feel is wrong, and you're okay..."

Lost in the words, Shanelle paused, her eyes remaining closed.

Speechless, Michael stood amazed. Lifting her chin with a firm hand, he urged her to open her eyes. Seeing they were filled with tears, he smoothed one away with his thumb. "Nelle... Don't ever be ashamed of your songs again."

Something within her broke and her heart fluttered wildly like a caged bird. Shanelle knew instinctively that she could trust him. The shocking realization gave her peace.

Michael's face changed to one of concern. Looking off into the distance.

"So... who's the lucky guy?"

Taken back, Shanelle stared, surprised. "What?"

"I mean that was all about love. Whoever he is, you must've fell hard for real."

"Nah. No, it's nothin' like that. I don't think I'm able to ever love someone that way." Shanelle noted how his face relaxed. Surprised, yet unembarrassed, her eyes widened.

"Michael Matthews... You ain't jealous are you? You know you almost 4 years older than me right? And if anything, Jasmine is head over heels for you!"

Face turning red as an apple, Michael's head turned towards her sharply. "Me? Jealous? I'm just asking! Jasmine see's me as a big brother Nelle, you know that."

"Whatever... If anything, I see you as a big brother." Shanelle picked at a nail, observing her slender fingers.

Michael looked her over, frowning. He started as if he were about to say something, then he remained silent.

"You didn't answer the question. I'm happy for you, whoever it is..."

"No, really. I'm so far from that. It's about... My Mama. The last time I saw her is close to the last time I saw you."

Clearly relieved, Michael released an unintended breath. He knitted his eyebrows. "I'm just worried about you."

"Yeah sure."

Avoiding her eyes, Michael cleared his throat. "You know... We're only 3 and a half years apart..."

"Pedophiiiiilllleee!!! Minor attracted perssoooonnnn!!" Shanelle yelled loudly.

Sucking his teeth, he backed away, glaring. "Bruh, okay Shanelle. Chill!"

Taking pleasure in tormenting him, she smiled, waving him off.

"You did like it though?" She asked, serious again.

"Nelle... You have the most beautiful voice I've ever heard."

Shanelle met his steady gaze with curiosity. What was this?

The two held eye contact. Suddenly, they both began to laugh. Punching Michael in the shoulder, Shanelle gasped in disbelief. "You promised!"

"Aye, I'm not! I swear I'm not, I'm not laughing at the song." He insisted.

They caught eye contact again and started to laugh even harder.

Not fully understanding, Shanelle leaned over, collapsing to the grass from stomach cramps. Michael, too, leaned against the wood of the swing set, toppling over from wheezing. Sinking to the grass, he placed both hands on top of his head in attempts to regain control.

The edge of his shirt lifted up a few inches, and at first sight, Shanelle quieted. There was a scar decorating his lower abdomen.

"Mike?"

"Yeah?" He answered in a daze.

"I'm sorry..."

There was a long silence.

"It's okay." He said.

She shook her head, irritated. "No, you don't get me. It ain't okay, I left... I left you and didn't come back, I-"

"Shanelle..."he interrupted, staring up into the clear autumn sky. "It's okay. I give you my word. I deleted the camera footage... It's why the whole investigation been prolonged. I know you only did what you had to... And even the times before that. It's okay."

Unable to speak, tears of condemnation washed over her face as she buried it in her arms. Scooting close, Michael took one of her wet hands and held it.

"Nelle, one thing I've learned about the last few months of my life, is that God is a God of second chances. I forgive you. To be honest, I never was mad. Don't be mad at yourself... I- ... Walk in your second chance Shanelle."

Words filling her with the life she desperately needed, she closed her eyes and pressed his hand against her cheek, holding onto it as if it were a life line.

Sweet Michael... Shanelle cared for him as one would a dear friend. Suddenly the months that had gone by felt like years. Why had she dreaded seeing him again?

Grazing the other side of her face with his free hand, Michael looked into her eyes with a longing Shanelle couldn't understand. Clearing her throat she blinked, pulling her hand away, suddenly discomforted.

"Jasmine sure gon' be glad to see you." She looked away. She was certain he'd notice how the dynamic of the girls' friendship had changed. Jasmine would die if she knew Michael had seen Shanelle before coming to see her. Either way it didn't matter. Shanelle couldn't bear the thought of twisting the only genuine friendship she had left by complicating it with untapped feelings. She adored Michael and loved him merely as a friend. Besides... She wasn't sure she'd ever be able to love any man.

"Shanelle..." Michael reached out. His eyes were serious.

Suddenly, a gasp sounded from the gate behind them making him pause.

Dropping her bags in mid-air, Jasmine couldn't believe her eyes.

"Michael?"

---

Hopping to his feet, Michael smiled warmly. "Wassup Jas!"

Rolling her eyes, Shanelle cringed at the look on Jasmine's face. That girl was destined to be an actress.

Running around the gate, Jasmine flung herself into his harms, him instinctively catching her for fear of her falling. Startled, he looked back at Shanelle, chuckling nervously. He raised his eyebrows almost as if to say 'Now this is how you greet a man'. Shanelle couldn't help but smile.

Weeping profusely, Jasmine poured out strings of unrecognizable sentences, all jumbled together.

Unsure of how to respond, Michael looked back at Shanelle in question. Shanelle shrugged.

Finally, Jasmine's words cleared to minimum understanding.

"Where were you, I thought you were dead!?!"

"I'm alright Jasmine, I just had to lay low for a while."

"But why? In God's name, why?!"

Growing irritated, Shanelle huffed. In "God's name"... Her skin crawled.

"Because the shooting was targeted."

Peeking both of their interests, Shanelle and Jasmine stared in question.

"Wait, they weren't just robbing the store?" Jasmine asked.

Shaking his head, Michael released her. "No. The men who came into the store wore masks with a skull symbol on it, all of them. My parents had just spoke at a local meeting with the city counsel proposing for pro biblical standards to be reinforced in our public schools. Their argument was that if a selective and morally based LGBTQ curriculum could be instated, then so could a religious one. The same group of people wearing those masks have been targeting religious movements all over the country... We never thought it'd be so close to home. The men came for my parents..."

"But found you instead," Shanelle finished. Warning squeezed tight in her belly.

"Oh, Michael! That's terrible!" Jasmine cried. For the first time, Shanelle agreed.

"Nah I'm good. Really. If anything, this has made me more sober, and got me closer to God. I was in "hiding" if you will... Someplace safe. They helped bring me closer to God, me and my parents. To die with Jesus is gain... To hold on to my life would have cost me more than I was willing to let go of."

Jasmine stared at him in awe as if he were the sun, moon, and the stars. Unable to stomach anymore, Shanelle was relieved when Maria's mom pulled up honking in front of the house.

"Jas! Shanelle! Y'all ride is here!" Chino called from the front door.

Jumping up and down, Jasmine pulled a tall and lanky Michael to the front of the yard. "Y'all, look! Look who it is!"

Chino saw and immediately came outside, astounded. Maria jumped out of the car to meet them, forgetting all about Jasmine. Michael stood nervously in the midst of all the chatter, squeezing, tears and attention.

Seizing the opportunity to slip away and retrieve her bags, Shanelle went inside. Picking them up from their place by the front door, she noticed the house was unusually quiet. Anna Must've been asleep. June wasn't in the living room or in the kitchen. Searching the rooms, she peered into the family office.

June sat next to the window in her Teddy Fabric rocking chair. She looked so still... So serene. Yet, troubled. Beams of gentle sunlight fell upon her face.

"Mrs. Johnson?" Shanelle came all the way in.

"Hey baby." She greeted her without looking away. Shanelle wondered what she was thinking so intently about.

Not knowing what to say, she just stood, feeling as if she were supposed to do something. After having lived with the Johnson's for so long, Shanelle had begun to love June in a special way. The two had grown close, closer it seemed, than even June and Jasmine.

"You aight Mrs. Johnson?"

Vanessa answered in a glance, shaking her head no.

Fully expecting her to say the opposite, Shanelle was at a loss for words.

"Don't worry about me love bug. I'll be alright. It's y'all I'm concerned about."

Coming closer, Shanelle frowned. "What do you mean by that?"

Searching Shanelle's face, June picked up a navy blue felt box from the office desk and handed it to her.

"What's this?"

Shutting her eyes almost painfully, June breathed deeply before opening then again. "Nelle, my mama gave me this necklace... It became one of the most important things to me. Don't lose it... And don't forget what it means. "

Opening the case, she saw a beautiful necklace with a thin chain and a silver heart. Inscribed at its base were the words, "He that's in me is greater than he that's in the world". Confused and overwhelmed with emotion, Shanelle grabbed June's shoulder. "Mrs. Johnson, you leaving?"

She nodded, looking out of the window once more. "Chino and I accepted a missions trip last month to go to Africa. They're building a school, a hospital, and a church and could use all the help they can get."

"Wh- what about us? We goin' too?"

"No Nelle. Y'all are staying here. Chino and I have decided to leave you in charge while we're gone. It's only a week, during your winter break, and we'll be right back."

Fear and panic began to fill Shanelle. "What about Jas? She's gonna be upset. Why you ain't just put her in charge?"

"Don't worry about all that, you can handle more than you think. We'll talk to Jas and she will be just fine."

June then pointed at Shanelle.

"You're a leader baby girl. You know how to survive. If I can't teach Jasmine the beauty of it, I know you will. Y'all will need that now more than ever."

Nodding, Shanelle lowered her head and left the office more distressed and confused than she came.

Chino walked in through the front door, patting a friendly hand on her shoulder as he went to the office where June was.

Clearing her throat, she turned, seeing that right by the door stood Michael waiting patiently.

Maria's mom honked the horn as Shanelle stepped outside.

"C'mon Nelle! We gotta go." Jasmine called from a rolled down window. Her eyes glanced sharply from Shanelle to Michael in unspoken accusation.

"Here, let me help," Michael reached to take Shanelle's bags.

Pulling away cautiously, Shanelle avoided his eye contact. With the raw matter of being separated from June, the closest person she had to a mother, approaching in a matter of days, all she wanted to do was crawl in a hole and hide.

"I got it."

Michael looked at her earnestly, his own heart troubled.

"Shanelle... What happened?" He asked, voice trailing.

Stopping briefly, Shanelle stayed silent a moment.

"It's good to see you Mike."

Leaving, she got into the vehicle and the girls drove off.