Seconds -Chapter 4

"The Letter"

Amber folded the clothes in her laundry basket, completing the task in an unhurried fashion, mind jumping from thing to thing. Although she won the baking competition between her coworkers, she couldn't really celebrate. The recipe for her pecan pound cake was given to her when she was a teenager by her mother. Using it in the competition, as harmless as it was, felt like treason. Her mother had passed only last year, and all she could think about were the recipes. Dang recipes. The doorbell rang.

Distracted from her thoughts, Amber tossed a pair of socks into the basket and went to the front door. She could recognize the outline of her son miles away. What a pleasant surprise, she thought, smiling. She was certain she wouldn't be seeing him for at least another 6 months.

Opening the door, her smile fell upon seeing the expression on his face.

"What's wrong?" She frowned, widening the space for him to come in.

"C... Can we talk out here on the porch? Just for a second...?"

Noting the tremor in her son's voice, she sat down on the patio chair, eyes not leaving him. He paced back and forth, brows knitting and unknotting. Rubbing the back of his neck her sucked his teeth before staring at her plainly.

"You're making me nervous Alex... What's the matter boy?"

"Jesus help me... Help me say it."

"Help you say what?"

"Ma... I had... Something... I saw a uh... You need to repent."

A long silence followed. Searching Alex's eyes, Amber frowned, seeing his feet firmly planted.

"Alex, what is this about?" She asked in a controlled tone, anxiety beating in her chest.

"Ma, you need... To repent. I had a... A uh... Something happened when I went to Grandpa's house. There was this old watch, and and, it started ticking and ringing even though it wasn't working before..." Sweat beaded his brow as he continued. "I saw the universe, and a woman-"

"A woman?"

"Yes, a woman. She was dressed in what looked like a waterfall, and, and she called me Aonnis. It wasn't my name, but I swear it felt like it was... Anyway, she showed me grandad as a boy, and I saw his dad leave him and, and his mom-"

"You saw your grandfather? As a boy?"

"Yes, ma...."

"Make it make sense darling."

"Mom! Just... Just let me finish..."

Stifling a chuckle, Amber nodded, trying to contain her laughter. She hoped he didn't need to be baker acted.

Though he felt the urge to retreat and forget he'd said or saw anything, Alex continued at the risk of being seen as crazy.

"Grandfather's dad left him when he was a boy... His mom, my great grandma died from the pain. Grandpa spiraled, and did things... Bad things. He tried to commit suicide. I saw him ma, his spirit left his body and I saw him! He was young and you weren't even born yet. Then these monsters came and grabbed him, and I heard this noise.. it was awful. It smelled bad, it was so dark, and there were mountains but no sunlight, prisons without number... I saw the ruler of Hades. He was about to torture grandfather then he came back to life and...and then I saw you."

She raised her eyebrows sarcastically.

"You were little... You were angry. Hurt. You blamed grand dad and wouldn't forgive him. A demon cam to you and made you start to desire women and being with them the way husbands and wives are.. I saw the dates. And the date."

Amber's face drained all color. She gasped, unable to speak.

"Yes... I know. I saw. You didn't tell me the truth. Grandpa didn't kick you out of the family... You left because you were convicted of your sin and didn't know how to get free. Mom, just repent and turn to God through Jesus, He can make it better so you don't have to go to that awful place, just please...."

"Repent... Repent. How can it be as simple as repenting and turning around? How, when I've fallen in love with Marty, gotten engaged and planned a life? How can I repent when it's all I think about, it's how I feel? If I could be fixed, I would be! I can't just turn from who I am! There's no medicine, no cure for lesbianism! These feelings are REAL. I'm not a sickness, and I'm tired of everyone treating me like it.

Tears coursed down Amber's cheeks. She'd prayed endlessly for God to fix her, and He never heard. He didn't answer. And now, Alex, her son, told her she needed to repent? Throwing her hands over her face, she wept.

Unsure of what to do, Alex watched her while his own. Heart twisted in agony. What was he to do now?

Cries softening, she wiped her face, unable to look at his. "I'm sorry Alex. I should have been open with you about Marty. I just felt so... I don't know. Embarrassed? Ashamed? Wrong? I don't understand how something so real and genuine can be wrong..."

Alex's heart broke at the hopelessness he heard in her voice.

"You're right Ma. You're right. Your feelings... Are valid... And real. So real. The emotions, the attraction, the thoughts, the voices.. they're all real. But... They're not yours. They're not your feelings. They're not your thoughts. There was a spirit that came to you when you were eleven, and it started to give you nightmares and tell you that you were attracted to women until you believed it. It forced itself inside of you after you were hurt by Grandpa's partner in the church, and it looked oily and red, and slimy...."

Alex could scream. He heard himself, so he knew he sounded insane. Shaking his head, he banged it against the door. Had he imagined this whole ordeal? Was it just a dream?

Birds fluttered in a group on a nearby branch. It made a rustling sound. Oh if he could fly away he would...

Amber cleared her throat, drawing his attention. Glancing at her, he was surprised when she met his look with one of seriousness.

"I know what you're saying is true, son. I remember the first night the monster appeared... It was the first dream I'd ever had of it. It's been showing up in my dreams ever since. Red, oily skin... Raspy whisper.... I thought I was crazy." She laughed, though it hinted at no humor.

"How can I be free from it? From all of it? I want it out of me, but that means... Oh God. Marty. Oh God... I'm a mess. A horrible mess!" She broke down once more, grieving a loss that hadn't yet taken place.

Then, Alex pulled out the letter. Sitting across from his mother, he clasped her hands with one of his free ones. They were so small and delicate in comparison to his. Choosing to stand in anxiousness he took a step back.

"My fingers used to be smaller than yours..." He smiled lightly, releasing them softly.

Peering up at him through flooded eyes, Amber chuckled, voice cracking. She leaned in and placed her forehead against his.

"Let me read you this. Grandpa wrote it and left it on the table in the house... But I think he'd want you to hear it too."

Nodding, she wiped her eyes, straightening in a posture to hear.

Alex cleared his throat, unfolding the letter:

...Alex...

My hope is that you go exploring through the house before picking up this letter. In that order only, will things make sense.

I marvel every time I think about the man you will become, because I know it will be better than any man I could ever be.

You have a call to love the unlovable and redeem what was lost... You'll see that soon. Your mother, though she may not see it right now, is called to be an intercessor, a warrior for the world.

I'm so proud of that young woman, my daughter. My baby girl... Because she's strong. She gets up after every fall, no matter how long she was down. Tell her I never stopped loving her, and that it's okay. Her mother didn't blame her, and neither do I. Take up your cross and carry it Amanda. I love you. Whatever you do Alex, don't stop looking through the house. I have a feeling you'll find some more rare trinkets. See you in the near future... Or perhaps far... Be strong Aonnis.

-Grandpa

Overcome with emotion, Amber glanced up at the sky as she tried to compose herself.

"I treated him so-" she gasped, taking in a ragged breath. "So bad..."

"Don't do that ma. He said it's okay... It is okay. " Wiping her tears, he let her cry a few moments longer until she rocked silently.

Sighing, Alex cleared his throat, next mission clearly understood.

"Thank you love bug." She whispered. Alex nodded.

"I don't know when... or how soon... but I know what I want. I want to be free. Now... Let's deal with this monster that never left."