Chapter 4 (pt 3)

Waking up to Buck teething on her shirt, Reagan sat up and looked at her watch. It was almost noon. Timothy would be getting home in a couple more hours, and if she didn't leave now, she wouldn't be back until a time less than preferred. As much as she didn't want to, someone had to go to the food bank if they wanted to eat tonight.

Rubbing her eyes, she forced her fingers through her knotted hair, pulling it up into an awful bun with the

scrunchie on her wrist. There once was a time when she would spend no less than 30 minutes styling it before going out anywhere.

Mot used to prize her golden brown locks, feeling a wayward strand or two between his fingers whenever one got away from the rest. He always told her the way she kept her hair was the way she tried to keep her life; neat and in order, yet unintentionally filled with wild hairs. She hated it when he said things like that. Yet now, as she look over her life, she couldn't help but wonder if he'd been right all along.

Shaking her head hard, she rubbed her temples as if that would stop the memories from surfacing.

Adjusting Buck, Reagan could immediately feel that his diaper had been soaked through. Stripping him of his sleeper, she tossed it into a pile along with the dirty diaper, and cleaned him as quickly as she could. Changing his clothes and packing up his diaper bag, she planted a kiss on his chubby cheek before scanning the house, grabbing her cell and locking up. It wasn't until after she'd strapped him in the car and got buckled in herself that she realized her own shirt was partially soaked.

Heaving a frustrated sigh, Reagan put the car in reverse. She was not going back inside.

Buck babbled on innocently from his car seat, putting a faint smile on Reagan's face. Oh, how she adored him. He was so oblivious. Innocent. "You're full of chatter this morning," she called to him in her baby tone.

Pulling out, she drove off when her phone started to ring. It was her mother.

Answering reluctantly, Reagan cleared her throat. For some reason it felt like it's been forever since they'd talked.

"Hey Mama. What's going on?"

"Nothing. Just calling to check on my daughter and grand children..."

Hearing her mother's voice suddenly made her want to cry. She had an instant urge to tell her of all the dark thoughts, the pain she couldn't seem to get rid of, and Buck... But she didn't.

"We're doing as well we can, you know. How's everything at the house? And Taffy, with that crooked tail of hers?"

"That can mean a lot of things hun. For all I know, 'as well as we can' could be interpreted 'we've been eating the cotton out of the couch' good, or 'I send Timothy door to door asking if the neighbors want to buy my used Tupperware containers' good."

Reagan laughed. Her mother could be so cheesy at times. "Mama, no, things aren't that bad. Honest. We're just... Dealing. "

"Oh alright. Well I wanted to let you know I'm coming over tonight to cook dinner for you all and watch some movies. Its really been forever since I've seen the boys, I almost feel like a neglectful grandparent."

This made Reagan laugh even harder. "You're not neglecting them Ma. And that's fine! Come on over, I'm sure the boys will love it. You have someone free to keep an eye on Taffy while you're gone?" Pulling up at the drive-in food pantry, she put her mother on mute to roll the window down and give the volunteer her name and household information. The last thing she wanted was for her to be concerned about them not having enough food. Her mother continued to talk after Reagan put her on speaker.

"Oh! I didn't tell you? We had to bury Taffy a couple weeks ago. She hadn't been too well for months and then finally gave out. She lived a nice long life for a dog though. Nothing less than expected, eh?"

Hearing even that piece of downing information made Reagan's heart droop. Smiling a thanks to the staff, she took her mom off mute.

"Oh Mama... What did Taffy ever do to anyone? Why'd God take such a sweet, loyal dog?" She murmured, waiting for the line in front of her to move up.

"Well, Taffy was quite old..."

"She was old, sweet and innocent; nothing that earned the agony she went through or the pain she had to suffer. Why does God do that Mama? Why does He take things away...? Break things... That don't need to be broken? Kill the least deserving of death? Why?"

The car approached a red light. Her mother was silent on the other end. Reagan heard her sigh softly.

"Rea... Dying is a part of living. That's what makes it beautiful darling... Knowing we had that time with each other. "

"Its never enough time though... You make it sound so simple having gone through this, you know, with dad."

"Nothing was easy when I lost your father... But I understood that I wasn't the only one who lost him. He was your dad darling. I couldn't keep all that grief to myself when you needed me more.. I knew you suffered in a way I didn't."

"Wasn't any part of you angry?" Reagan asked, pulling the car up. The vehicle in front of her was next in line.

"Rea, angry isn't even the word. All I could think about was how much it hurt that the man I loved would leave me behind. Then I was angry at myself for all of the things I didn't do, and time not spent. Seeing all those other old couples living, loving... heck, arguing. Never thought I'd miss that."

"Oh, I was ashamed. Then, darling, it hit me one day... We didn't have to worry about a funeral; he'd taken care of it already. You were married and on your own, raising a family of your own. I had my retirement approaching... Besides that, he was proud of himself as a man and a father. How could I be upset when he probably had nothing to do with going himself? I thought about the last conversation we had together in the truck, and he said to me he'd see me at home. It didn't make sense, being that we were in front of the store and he was just going in to pick up some mulch for the yard. We went back and forth for a little moment before he just smiled and waved me off. He sounded so crazy... He was coming back!" She laughed softly.

"I waited for him to come out, and it got later and later." She paused. "I called his phone; he wouldn't answer. Then I saw an ambulance pull up into the parking lot, when out of nowhere I felt the strangest feeling in my chest... it was like I lost my breath for a second, took a pause I couldn't help myself take... I knew."

"One sec mom," Reagan said, placing the phone to her ear, pulling up so the volunteers could load the vehicle.

"We give one type of meat per household, some canned goods, starches and fresh fruit and veggies. Sometimes, depending on how early you come we have household items to give out." A lady with curly red hair nodded as she approached Reagan's window, giving her a run down of what was to be expected.

"Yes ma'am, I understand. I've been here a couple times before", Reagan responded in turn.

"Oh! Okay. Alrighty then, we'll have you loaded up in just a second."

"Thank you."

Rolling her window up, Reagan unlocked the doors.

"What changed when you remembered the last thing daddy said to you?" She asked her mother.

"I realized I was selfish. Your father was ready to go home. He didn't leave us in debt... A lot of heart ache, yes, but in peace. He passed out at the register, after paying for the mulch." Her mother chuckled. "That's so like him. He never wanted me to worry about anything."

Reagan understood her mom. But that was because she understood her Dad. What she didn't understand was her husband.... And Buck.

"Mama... What about Mot?"

Her mother didn't answer. For a moment, all she could hear was the traffic around her. Oh how lost she felt...

"The minutes, the hours, the days turn into months, and soon it'll be years. I'm stuck. I'm still there... I can remember the smell of the meatloaf I was cooking. God, I hate meatloaf!" She drew a ragged breath.

The volunteers began to load up the car. After they finished, she uttered a polite thanks, and drove off. "Mama, I'm stuck in yesterday. Mot never got to see Buck. He won't see the oldest, his junior, graduate. Everyone smiles, lives and moves on, but when my phone rings I relive that call every day, and the shock steals the breath from my lungs when I think about it. I cant... just-... I cant just move on, and I'm terrified, because when I close my eyes, the details of his face are fading awa-" her voice broke. "Mama, I need our pictures to remember is face." Reagan felt as if she'd suffocate. She burned hot all over with shame. "I'm so angry, because I need him, and I'm forgetting... all the while remembering... you must understand how tormenting that is."

Reagan's mother listened with grief to her hurting child.

"I died with him when he left." Reagan spoke absently while driving on automatic, her mind somewhere in a distant place.

It was silent again, this time for a longer period. The dread of her confessions hung heavily in the air. "Mama, I'm so lost"... Her voice trailed off. She didn't expect to hear her mother respond. Though, respond she did.

"Darling, Timothy lost his superhero. Your mother in-law buried her youngest son. I said goodbye to an amazing son in-law. Its not easy... And the memories will keep coming. The pain is very real, so real it hurts to breathe. But keep walking... Raise your boys. Love them. And remember you're not alone; your family is here for you Rea. I'm here. Trust God. He's still there."

Reagan nodded. "Yeah, well the rest of the world doesn't think so. To them, God is dead."

"Unfortunately. However, that doesn't make it true."

"I hear you Mom. Thanks."

"No worries darling. I'll be over in just an hour. Hope you all have an appetite for lasagna."