Chapter 4 (pt 1)

Reagan

Reagan turned the coffee pot off while holding her 7-month son in one arm, and her cell in the other. Putting the phone up to her ear she heaved in frustration.

"Now what is this you're saying about Buck's lab results?"

Reagan had finally started feeling somewhat at ease after not hearing from her son's clinic. A part of her had begun to grow weary of the tasks, tests, bills, and countless appointments. The office had called her several times in the past week, her having grown accustomed to ignoring them, until they stopped all together. The silence made everything feel like a fresh breath of normal. Buck's doctor just so happened to call from a regular number, and poor Reagan fell for it.

"Mrs. Williams, we need you to come in to go over these images..."

"Oh no, I'm not coming in. Not when you can tell me what the images are over the phone... I won't understand what I'm looking at anyway."

"Mrs. Williams, these kinds of conversations need to be discussed in person -"

"So that you can get paid? Is that it?"

There was silence on the other end. Reagan released a choppy sigh. When her nerves started to get to her, she got chatty... That wasn't always a good thing.

"If you wish for me to release the information over the phone, so be it. My style of interaction is moreso one that's personal and up close... I like to know that my patient understands to the best of my ability everything that's going on with them. Forgive me for inconveniencing you in trying to help Buck."

Reagan could tell by the tone of her voice that she'd hurt Doctor Emmi.

Biting her lip, she squeezed her eyes shut, ashamed and somewhat defensive. "I'm sorry, I just have to be frugal... We get a bill every time we come in. And I'm already behind enough as it is with the mort-.... you know what, nevermind. What's going on Dr. Emmi?"

She had no intention of wasting her breath talking of financial woes to someone who was three levels above her tax bracket. She had to retain some dignity.

"The scan we did two weeks ago on Buck's heart shows that the tissue we found in April has grown to a mass, about the size of a quarter."

"Grown? As in gotten bigger?"

"Yes ma'am. It's been progressing at an alarming rate. Mrs. Williams, I know this is the last thing any parent could ever want to hear, but there's great reason for concern. When we first started monitoring the growth back in April, it was only the size of a pumpkin seed..."

"So what exactly are you saying? I thought you told me there was nothing to worry about..." Reagan shook her head in denial, fighting the fear with anger.

Buck babbled loudly in baby gibberish, squeeling in her ear. Placing him down in the living room, she steadied the phone with her shoulder, making her way back to the kitchen island.

"Well... Reagan, I'm going to be quite frank with you. It wasn't a concern in April, because we didn't think it out of the ordinary. It appeared to just be normal tissue."

Taking out the glass bowl of cream of wheat from the microwave, Reagan stirred it habitually, worry growing. "Doc. What does this mean? In your professional opinion, what, what does it say to you?"

There was a pause at the other end of the phone. She heard a slow sigh. Every second weighed heavily on her heart. Suddenly, Reagan dreaded the thought of every phone call she intentionally ignored.

"Mrs. William's, Buck has a cancerous tumor growing on his heart. It's so aggressive, I dont believe there's anything my team and I can do to stop it. We could try surgery, but with how immeshed it is, we wouldn't want to risk damaging the healthy tissue...."

The world seemed to grow quiet. Reagan couldn't hear anything else that was being said. She didn't feel the glass slip from hear hands, or hear the sound it made when it shattered on the ground. She didn't hear Buck's screams in response to the frightening noise. It were as if the air had been knocked out of her chest.

"So... so you're giving up on my baby...?" Reagan blinked in shock, reacting.

"No Mrs. Williams, we'll never give up, we're just not sure what else to do to help him-"

"Wh-what do you mean? My baby ..." Fear unlike any she'd ever known gripped her. "... you can't DO anything? No, no you need to re scan, check your charts, or orders or whatever you all look at when you're sitting behind your desks while people's lives are in jeopardy, and make sure you know what you're telling me!"

"Mrs. Williams, I would never lie to you about something this serious. You deserve to know the truth, and the truth is we'll get Buck whatever medication and treatment needed, but we just want you to be aware of the great risks we would be taking by doing so. I know this is devastating..."

"The only medicine my son has taken has been prescribed by YOU. The only tests he's been given, have been by the hospital YOU work for, heck, the only prenatal care I received while I was pregnant, I got per your recommendation!" Reagan found herself screaming unintentionally. "Buck's only 7 months... If anything's wrong with my child, it's YOUR fault!" Hot tears trickling down, Reagan bit her tongue as her oldest son came rushing into the kitchen, alarmed at the commotion.

"Mom, what's wrong?" He hurried around the counter.

Closing her eyes briefly, she took a deep breath. "Are you ready for school?" Reagan asked more firmly than she intended. She wiped her tears with a shaky hand. Timothy blinked in confusion, brows knitting.

"But ma... I heard you screaming... You're crying. What's wrong?"

"Timothy, now is not the time... Are you ready for school?"

"I, I just have to get-" he ran his hand through his hair, stuttering.

"Go get your stuff and get to that bus on time. If you come back because you missed it, I swear to God you're walking." Reagan's eyes were wide and rimmed with tears, emotions channeled in a way she knew she'd regret in her heart. There was no one tangible she could point a finger at; no one to blame. She was angry nonetheless.

Glaring, Timothy pulled his hood down over his head. Snatching his bookbag from the bar stool, he stormed out of the kitchen and living room, slamming the front door behind him. Buck continued to scream, face steaming red.

Moving around the glass to get to him, Reagan scooped his plump body up with shaking hands. Taking him to his crib so she could clean the floor, she realized her shoulder still held the phone in place. The other end was quiet.

"H.... Hello?" She stammered.

"Yes Mrs. Williams....is everything alright?"

Overcome with grief and shame, she placed a hand up to her quivering mouth. She knew it was unfair of her to say the things she did to Doctor Emmi... The one who worked overtime when Buck was born to make sure he was okay. Not once had she given up on Buck. Doctor Emmi didn't have the power to create life in her hands, but she worked as hard as she could to preserve it. Hearing a professional, that Reagan felt could do anything, say something was nearly impossible to accomplish, shattered her, especially being that the impossible involved her baby boy.

"I... I'm sorry. So sorry." Reagan's voice broke. "How long....?"

"It's okay Mrs. Williams. There's nothing easy about what you've been told. How long before what? The worse? Untreated?"

"Yes..." Reagan's heart pounded.

Buck continued to whimper in the background.

"Im sorry Reagan... we can guarantee 6 months with no treatment; a year if chemo and surgery are successful." Unable to stomach anymore, Reagan hung up. Buck continued to cry from the nursery. It was the only sound in the house. She could feel dread rising.

Who were they to give her baby, her son, a deadline? They didn't really know... Did they?

"She doesn't know what she's talking about, babe..." She bit her lip painfully, cleaning the floor. "Yeah. They're wrong. They have to be wrong." Yet even as she said it, the words felt like dead weight.

Oftentimes she talked to her late husband Mot, though she knew he were no longer there. It made her feel safe, like he was still a part of her life. She found herself talking to him now more than ever. In spite of it, it seemed like the more challenges they were faced with, whether it be Buck's health or the mounting bills of their mortgage and utilities, the more her soulmate faded away.

Reagan feared losing their home; if they did, she felt she'd lose him too. Timothy wasn't aware of the debt they were in, and just how close they were to their entire lives changing. She couldn't bring herself to tell him.